Philbert Needs Pitted Bull To Run With

The following statement was E-mailed to me this afternoon from the Candidate hisself. -Harry

Fellow Reddingvanians, my write-in campaign for city council is in the proverbial deep dookie. Lagging in the Poles and not doing so well in the rest of Eastern Europe, it's time I make like The Federales and start bailing. If I can't get bail, then I need a mate. A running mate. Preferably one who can run in heels. I need a dame and I need one bad (yeah, like I haven't said THAT before). Dames are all the rage with Redding voters and nobody knows rage better than a dame and who better to rage at than me, the candidiot?

I'm in the market for a floozy who don't like to losey. In fact, I'm in the Express Checkout line in this market with a box of Votex Campons, Panty Raid Hygiene Spray and some ammo. There's a certain "type" of babe I'm lookin' for. I want an even Whiter Shade Of Palin and so do the voters.

Interested applicants should send resume and "campaign-ready" explicit photos to this website. Must dislike polar bears, taxpayers and Andersonians. Thanks, Toots.

Candidate Unrevealed

I got a call from our write-in candidate for Redding City Council claiming he, "didn't feel well," and that he wouldn't be appearing at the CD release party (Still Married's new CD!)at Little Filly's Pizza tonight in Palo Cedro.
I'm inclined to believe he opted for the "Head Lice Screening" instead.

Candidate Revealed

Philbert D. Cartoonist, write-in candidate for Redding City Council, will be in attendance at Still Married's CD release party for their new Sacramento River Whispers. The event will take place on Saturday, September 27th at 7:30 p.m. at Little Filly's Pizza in Palo Cedro. One drawback is that the event is scheduled for the same time as the Free Head Lice Screening, so you need to make a difficult choice.
OK, I know what you're thinking...if Philbert is running for Redding's city council, what is he doing in Palo Cedro?
No other candidate for Redding City Council is forward-thinking enough to take their campaign outside the city limits. This is the kind of "outside the box" thinking that you can expect from Philbert when he's elected to that big, comfy seat.
See you there!

Hello? KQMS? IPP Demands EQ

Local radio station, KQMS, has offered "real" candidates equal time on their airwaves to state their cases regarding their candidacy for Redding's City Council.

FACT: IPP candidate, Philbert D. Cartoonist, has not been contacted, telepathically or otherwise, to participate in this forum.

Is this a fair election? Can a candidate, just because he's not on the ballot, be ignored? Dismissed? Is this America, or is it the SoBeIt Bunion? We know the answer to that, does KQMS???

Sure, he's an imaginary person, but what exactly is radio? Pulsating waves intercepted by a device that translates these invisible signals into audible linguistic communication? Does that sound likely? I think not. Since radio probably doesn't exist, what makes our candidate any different? He probably doesn't exist either but is he any less real? Does he not prick if he's bled? Does he not put his pantaloons on one limb at a time? Wherefore doth he trod if he doth not trod upon the oscillating airwaves of the mind?

Note to KQMS: We're Unclear, We're Not Here, But Neither Are You — Get Used To Us! We respectfully request you bequeath unto Our Candidate access to your Magic Box and your radio station for the sole purpose of spreading his message like manure upon the field. What's fair for the moose is fair for the panderer. And the Elks and others of their ilk. Do what's right and write-in our write-in right into your programming schedule. You'll be sorry you did, and so will we.

Thank you.

Harry Ames, Jr.
Campoon Manager
Imaginary Peoples Party (a wholly disowned subsidiary of the Nat'l Surrealist Light People's Party)

Be An Ippy!

Food for Thought Snubs Candidate

In a blatant attempt to silence the Imaginary Peoples Party candidate, local media outlet Food for Thought: A News Café failed to provide equal time to Philbert D. Cartoonist on their so-called "open forum."
Look for yourself! They are asking "official candidates" for their answers to hokey made-up questions once a week for the 9-weeks leading up to election day. Did the IPP Campoon Hindquarters receive an opportunity to respond? Well, maybe, I haven't checked the e-mails here in awhile, but still.
Listen up, FFT! We're Here! We're Unclear! Get Used To Us!!!

Our Candidate at Marketfest

For those of you who believe our candidate is imaginary, here's a photo of the Hon. Philbert D. Cartoonist handing out Waxy Weapons Of Democracy at a recent civic gathering — which should prove he is in fact a figment of our collective imagination.
Expect more of these "guerrilla" campoon tactics around town.
Isn't he cute? Doncha just wanna give the wheeze a squeeze? Go ahead, it doesn't hurt him at all.

Photo courtesy of Harry Ames, Jr. collection. ©2008 Imaginary Peoples Party