Philbert Needs Pitted Bull To Run With

The following statement was E-mailed to me this afternoon from the Candidate hisself. -Harry

Fellow Reddingvanians, my write-in campaign for city council is in the proverbial deep dookie. Lagging in the Poles and not doing so well in the rest of Eastern Europe, it's time I make like The Federales and start bailing. If I can't get bail, then I need a mate. A running mate. Preferably one who can run in heels. I need a dame and I need one bad (yeah, like I haven't said THAT before). Dames are all the rage with Redding voters and nobody knows rage better than a dame and who better to rage at than me, the candidiot?

I'm in the market for a floozy who don't like to losey. In fact, I'm in the Express Checkout line in this market with a box of Votex Campons, Panty Raid Hygiene Spray and some ammo. There's a certain "type" of babe I'm lookin' for. I want an even Whiter Shade Of Palin and so do the voters.

Interested applicants should send resume and "campaign-ready" explicit photos to this website. Must dislike polar bears, taxpayers and Andersonians. Thanks, Toots.